Now Playing

3.05.2013

For Now

For now,
I will try to see
the silver lining,
where visible. I'll blindly
feed my eyes of random
rays of sunlight,
in my mind,
for now.
I'll take the warmth
as it touches
my face, embrace-
ing the moment,
for now.

The clouds will soon
gather, its ashes
blanketing the sky,
comforting,
my mind, from the rays
of yesterday's past.
I will wait
for
the fall
of its tears
from the heavens,
as it covers mine,
releasing me,
for now.

2.23.2013

Habulan

Sinundan ng sindak
ang mga yapak sa
papaalis na kabiyak
ng puso noong mga
oras na iyon.
Marahil ay lipas na
ang mga mala-pelikulang
eksena, melodrama
ng relasyong minsan
nang nasaksihan.
Sa sangandaan
ng kapalaran at paglisan,
at kagustuhan,
naging saksi ang karamihan.
Nagpaalam ng mabilisan,
sinundan ng kasintahan,
ang tema ng sinehan.
Bumabalik pa rin,
paminsan-minsan,
may ngiti,
sa dating tagpuan
kung saan dating
nagiiwanan,
at naghihiwalayan,
at nagbabalikan.

2.09.2013

Silence

Silence is a tragedy, exploding
inside my heart. It kills
the very life out of me.
Every non-word uttered
is a stab, slowly penetrating
the skin of my soul,
where there was life,
and the used-to-be's.
It is a reassurance
of an unthinkable
existence, where emptiness
is my bread and loneliness,
my reality.

2.07.2013

Sleep

Sometimes, the forbidden
howls in the night, aching,
longing, as though in pain
of terrible, terrible
pain. And the moon-
lights the sadness with
unforgiving vividness,
a reminder, of the void
it tries to conceal. When you
don't see, you don't
feel, you don't
hurt.

12.24.2012

Hollow

So the bird, Melancholy
flew by the house of love
tonight, where the keeper
knelt and wept for losing
the angel that guarded them.
Big and strong, the house
was covered in layers
of Lonely, that night
almost hollowing Christmas.
They did not know
how to proceed, both
trembling while the wicked
hours of the night cracked.

10.24.2012

Queer Space: A Seminal Paper on Philippine Bar Culture



            The construction of sexuality and the cultural and political implications of such construction have gained increasing scholarly interest in the last century. To inquire into the social elements that make-up queerness is now considered a valid field of study. It is in this assumption that this seminal paper on Philippine queer bar culture is written.
 
            The main objective of this paper is to understand and create a preliminary deconstruction of the homosexual definition of space as part of the construction and definition of the homosexual self. This paper looks into the different elements that contribute to such identity and critically analyzes these elements through semiotics.
            It asks: (1) How does the homosexual, through Palawan Bar, define the homosexual space; (2) Is this definition ultimately liberating the homosexual; and, (3) What are the recommendations?
            This interest grounds itself within the general frame of cultural studies which encourages interdisciplinarity in looking into objects and phenomena that form the society. This choice is important for in handling something as fluid as sexuality, one must try to successfully integrate as many different fields of inquiry as possible just to get an inch closer to accurate representation, understanding, and conclusion.
            Louise Althusser, in his powerful essay Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses (Notes towards an Investigation), explored the concept of ideology and defined how one’s actions and preferences are practically determined by state-induced mechanisms of ideological production and reproduction. His essay falls into two general theses: “(1) [that] Ideology represents the imaginary relationship of individuals to their real conditions of existence,” and “(2) [that] Ideology has a material existence."
            The first thesis tenders the familiar Marxist contention that ideologies have the function of masking the exploitative arrangements on which class societies are based. In this case, the homosexual space and the queer construction of self as determined by ideology covers up a class-based oppressor-oppressed relationship. This paper looks into that and tries to recover the homosexual identity.
            The second thesis posits that ideology does not exist in the form of "ideas" or conscious "representations" in the "minds" of individuals. Rather, ideology consists of the actions and behaviors of bodies governed by their disposition within material apparatuses. In this sense, sexuality and the construction thereof are not a mere state of mind but a set of behaviors acted within a specific material environment which is also ideological nature. This paper intends to look into these behaviors and attempts to concretize the theoretical concept of sexuality through an analysis of objects that contribute to queerness.
            In line with Althusser’s theses, Judith Butler locates the construction of sexuality within the social and cultural sphere as she proposes that gender roles are like scripts that actors realize through performativity. This proposition is central in her book Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity. She suggests that the coherence of the categories of sex, gender, and sexuality—the natural-seeming coherence, for example, of masculine gender and heterosexual desire in male bodies—is culturally constructed through the repetition of stylized acts in time. These stylized bodily acts, in their repetition, establish the appearance of an essential, ontological "core" gender.
            Theodor Adorno, in his essay The Culture Industry: Enlightenment as Mass Deception, looks at popular culture as akin to a factory producing standardized cultural goods to manipulate the masses into passivity; the easy pleasures available through consumption of popular culture make people docile and content, no matter how difficult their economic circumstances. This study implies the applicability of this theory in a subculture setting wherein the subject (the homosexual) is drawn to passivity through the workings of the culture industry. This paper is specifically interested in the standardization process that the culture industry utilizes to create the queer identity and look at the effects of such creation in the very subculture where it flourishes.
            As previously mentioned, this is a preliminary query that intends to posit a study not usually ventured by most researchers (especially in the Philippines) even those within the field of gay and lesbian studies. The intention of this paper is to provide initial footing within the study of homosexual spaces as actually practiced in the Philippines today.

Stonewall Riots
           
            The Stonewall riots were a series of spontaneous, violent demonstrations against a police raid that took place in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of New York City. The Stonewall Inn is located at 53 Christopher Street, between West 4th Street and Waverly Place, in Greenwich Village. It was, during its time, the largest gay establishment in the U.S. and did a very good business, though, like most gay clubs at the time, police raids were not uncommon.
            In most citations, the Stonewall riots marked the Gay liberation movement in the United States, and to a great degree, all over the world. It was the first time (although some accounts may vary) that gays and lesbians fought back against a government-sponsored system that persecuted homosexuals. It also started the Gay Pride Parade, an annual gathering which celebrates the culture of LGBT (Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and Transgender). The history of the Stonewall Inn tells of the relocation of the queer culture from the outcast sphere into one of pride and courage.
            The importance of this history is vital in this paper’s intention of looking at the creation of homosexual space as it exists today. The importance of bar culture in the homosexual struggle is at the core of this paper’s thesis. This paper rekindles this struggle in a semiotic analysis of a gay establishment in the Philippine setting. It tries to define that link between the gay bar and the homosexual, a relationship that is mutually beneficial. The gay establishment thrives as a business because of gay culture giving profit to the investor while gay culture and identity (in Althusser’s term, Ideology) becomes defined and concretized in a physical space where acts and behaviors are acted and accepted.
            This paper also looks at the gay establishment Palawan Bar in Cubao, Quezon City and tries to identify the sites of standardization and locates the queer cultural product inside the grand scheme of the Culture Industry. Analyses on music and stage performances are intended to anchor Adorno’s concepts within the language of gender and sexuality.
            Finally, Butler’s concept on the performativity of gender roles shall be explored and provide for ultimately understanding the homosexual self by untangling the different stylized acts that occur inside the homosexual establishment which are performed by the homosexual to distinguish itself from the heterosexual.

The Physical Space


            The functional dimensions of the cultural space inside the gay bar is particularly interesting for as much as there is a defined function for each division, it is overlapped by a certain secondary importance to the social sphere and is thus complicated in make-up. This paper divides the physical space of the establishment into five, namely: the entrance, the lounges, the bar, the comfort room and the stage. Each has its own function both in practical and social spheres.  



The Entrance
           
            The entrance to the establishment is narrow. The small space is filled up by a desk, where you get entrance tickets, and a couch. From outside, it is impossible to see what happens inside. It is almost like a filtering system that the establishment uses in distinguishing which ones it would let in and which ones should stay out.
            The Stonewall Inn in New York had the same filtering system. There was a bouncer that would inspect the patron at the door through a peephole. The visitor should be recognized by the bouncer or look gay to be able to get in. That process was integral in making sure that no police pretending to be a patron would be allowed in. In Palawan Bar, the filtering process is not as stringent as that of the Stonewall Inn. Anyone could purchase a ticket for 150 pesos and get in. However, the set-up of a narrow entrance remains the same but serves a totally different function, that is to prevent people from seeing what’s going on inside and to, in a sense, give out an aura of exclusivity and mystification.

The Lounges
           
            The lounges inside the bar are another important spatial dimension that links the social to functional. The leather-upholstered seats found in both the first and second floors of the club, as differentiated from the chair-and-table set-up dominant in the first floor of the inside of the establishment, define in many ways the importance as well as the place of the patron in the whole scheme of business-patron relationship.
            The lounges are mostly by reservation and are usually the first areas of the bar to be requested. This exclusive nature of the lounges performs a dual function. It makes sure that the patron feels important by seating comfortably during the busiest days of the week (usually during Saturdays and Sundays) and assuring the establishment of the continued loyalty of such patron in the future. The business does not charge extra for the lounges but they are reserved for people that the business owner know or VIPs.

The Bar
           
            The bar, located at the first floor of the establishment, doubles as storage for all alcoholic beverages served around the establishment. One can get a beer, for example, by asking a waiter who then goes to the bar and gets you your order for you. This facilitates crowding of people during busy days. The bar implements a pay-as-you-order scheme.
            The bar is the location of patrons without a group or those who fail to secure a seat during the busy days of the week. It is also the center of cash flow for all orders go through this space.

The Comfort Rooms
           
            There are three comfort rooms in the establishment. One for females located on the first floor and two for males, each located on either floor. Both male and female comfort rooms in the first floor of the establishment are located at either side of the bar. The male comfort room in the first floor is situated just below the staircase leading to the second floor while the male comfort room in the second floor is located adjacent to the dressing room of the performers. They are relatively small, poorly maintained rooms with urinals and toilet bowls.
            The functionality of the comfort rooms, at least the male ones, goes beyond the traditional and the implied. They are also the location of sexual activity for consenting patrons. This function is standard to similar establishments. It provides for containment of the homosexual activities inside the establishment which in turn gives the establishment the charm of being accepting and tolerant of otherwise normatively considered ‘unnatural’ behavior.
            The material existence of the comfort rooms and its function in the homosexual construction of self brings to front the idea of the natural and the unnatural. It is important to appreciate that such a space is created to further distinguish the two and provide for the rationalized performativity of the homosexual act as opposed to the naturally-occurring heterosexual activity of procreation. It is thus an attempt of the homosexual to have its piece of the world where pleasure between two men can exist and be negotiated.

The Stage      
           
            The stage is approximately 3 by 5 meters in dimension and anchors the interior of the establishment. The space takes two functions in a single night. The first part of the night would find the stage as the platform for performances. It is where paid entertainers perform impersonations and sing requests from the audience usually from 10:00 PM to 1:00 AM. The second function of the stage, after the performances, is as a dance floor that patrons can use from 1:00 AM onwards lasting as late as 5:00 AM.
            The stage is the heart of the establishment. It showcases the celebration of the homosexual as the “other” gender. The space functions in these terms and essentially provides for the material basis for the rather abstract concept of homosexuality and the culture that comes with it. The colors, themes, music and the world that is created by the stage speak for the homosexual and relates to the innermost sensibilities of men who likes other men. This world, being that in the social and non-material, provides for the integration of the patrons as a group. Within the physical space of the stage lies the very core of the homosexual definition.

The Social Space

Music

"So the ‘thumpa thumpa’ continues. It always will. No matter what happens. No matter who's president. As our lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor has always sung to us: We will survive. –Queer As Folk US, last episode"

            The importance of music as used inside the queer establishment is integral in understanding and appreciating the complexity of the homosexual construction of self. Music has always been a part of the homosexual culture and has, in many ways, dictated how gays and lesbians look at themselves. It has become a medium for the homosexual to take pride in same-sex love and has empowered the gay movement throughout its history fuelling passion and desire for the homosexual cause and liberation.
            Central to the musicality of the homosexual is the idea of Diva, literally translated as “goddess,” a celebrated female singer. In an article by Philip Brett and Elizabeth Wood titled Lesbian and Gay Music (2002), they recognized and identified the importance of the concept of the Diva especially in the 20th century construction of the homosexual. They wrote;

 “If queer culture were religion, then Judy Garland would certainly be among its chief saints, its heaven ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’ (a wish-fulfilling refuge from oppression), The Wizard of Oz a holy scripture, and ‘Friend of Dorothy’ the mantra of its votaries. Garland's daughter, Liza Minelli, who starred in Cabaret, the musical adaptation of Christopher Isherwood's Berlin Stories, almost established an apostolic succession. Other notable divas might include Marlene Dietrich, Mae West, Edith Piaf, Zarah Leander (the deep-voiced diva of the German scene), Bette Midler (who began her career in a New York bathhouse), Barbra Streisand, and Madonna. Whether these idols experienced same-sex liaisons or not is beside the point: more crucial are certain characteristics portrayed in their singing, such as vulnerability (or actual suffering) mixed with defiance, to which many of their fans relate. The quality of their humour is also an important ingredient. Several of the women singers already mentioned, notably k. d. lang, exploit the diva effect, possibly without quite reaching (or wanting) the status of a Garden, Callas, Ferrier, or Garland.”         

            This overly western concept of Divas has not only been brushed off on the local queer culture but has been substantially appropriated. This concept of idolatry of a female image dominates the musical world of the homosexual giving its culture relevance and substance.
            The repertoire of Palawan Bar reflects and reinforces this almost superhuman treatment of the Divas. Western acts such as Madonna, Whitney Houston, Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion is celebrated every night. The localization of this concept as exemplified by Regine Velasquez, Zsa Zsa Padilla, Vina Morales, Sharon Cuneta and Jaya remains as an important component of queer musicality. Impersonations would center on these Divas. The performers would sing their songs and appropriate, to a great deal of success, the way they dress, act and sing. These appropriations demand a lot from the performers but are well appreciated by the patrons. The performances are undoubtedly one of the highlights of the night and unquestionably one of the selling points of the establishment.
            Aside from the Divas, the musical genres prominent inside the establishment are Disco and House music. Brett and wood elaborate the historical significance of the genre:
“Another notable sphere of queer interest and sponsorship has been the dance floor. Disco is maligned in many quarters, but dance-club life throughout Europe and the United States was transformed in the 1970s with the advent of Gloria Gaynor, Patti Labelle, the Pointer Sisters, Sister Sledge, Donna Summer, Sylvester, The Village People, the Weather Girls and dozens more, to whose fast-and-heavy beat, colourfully synthesized sounds and comforting sentiments gay men and sometimes lesbians gyrated and celebrated ‘family’ in safe queer spaces that were close to realizing for the physicalized and sometimes transcendent moment what opera and The Wizard of Oz could only begin to suggest. More localized and specialized forms, such as the even faster and louder House music of the 1980s, and later Acid and Techno, developed as Disco moved into the straight mainstream. In the 1990s gay dance music was strongly affected by the artistry of RuPaul, possibly the recording industry's most successful drag queen. Like rock and roll before them, Disco and House were heavily derived from black performing styles and sounds, the African-American diva from Grace Jones to RuPaul being as important here as in the opera house. They momentarily displaced racial tensions to create an idealized arena for queer identity to be performed (Currid 1995).”

            There is no direct equivalent of the western Disco and House genre to the local scene nor are there local artist that subscribe to them. However, there lies a significant support on these specific types of music to the local homosexual identity especially as used inside the establishment. The Disco and House inspiration mainly comes from the North American television series Queer As Folk, an American and Canadian television series co-production, produced by Showtime and Temple Street Productions which was based on the British series of the same name created by Russell T Davies. The series follows the lives of five gay men living in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and was noted for its somewhat frank depiction of gay life, as well as its vivid sex scenes. A gay establishment, called Babylon, was central in the plot and directly relates to the atmosphere that Palawan Bar tries to emanate.
            The concept of Divas and the use of Disco and House music, as appropriated on the stage of the establishment, provide more than entertainment for the homosexual. It is essential in its definition of self as the concept brings to the fore the image of power and defiance. These two emotions are translated to the audience within the general concept of “sexual liberation.” It reinforces the position of the homosexual in the social sphere and denies heteronormative assumptions. The power-bearing performances and the use of specific genres are the salient manifestations at which the standardization of the homosexual culture takes place.

Demography
           
            The demography of the establishment is mainly homosexual men in their 20’s or 30’s. Around 95% of the patrons of the bar fall under this category. The other 5% would constitute heterosexual females who are interested in seeing the performances, not necessarily seeking romantic adventures unlike the other 95%. It is important, however, to ascertain specific types of patronage inside the 95% since the homosexual self is not homogeneous but multifarious in composition.
            The majority of the 95% would comprise what the local gay community calls Paminta, or homosexual men who dress and act like straight men but are romantically interested in other men. The smaller portion of the 95% would comprise those called Effems (or effeminate males), who dress like a straight man but show signs of effeminacy in the way they act. The least number in the 95% would be the drag queens or those who dress and act like females. The last category would mostly be the entertainers themselves or their friends.
            The demographic composition of the establishment speaks so much about how the homosexual prefers to be seen and how its concept of self and what is acceptable has not really changed. The majority of the homosexuals inside the establishment still prefer to dress like a straight man and celebrate same-sex desires. This preference in appearance steps on Sigmund Freud’s concept of homosexuality as a Psychosexual Inversion. Since the homosexual still prefers to be seen as a man, recognizing the interest in romantic affairs with other men, the idea that all homosexual men are women trapped inside a man’s body is false. The homosexual must be analyzed in more ways than that.
           



Business

            The establishment primarily operates as a business, a means and product of capital that aims to profit. This, one should never forget, is at the very core of the establishment’s existence. Given such nature, we investigate on the dynamics of the establishment as a business enterprise and as a site of cultural significance.
            The homosexual has always been regarded as having a higher disposable income than the heterosexual. The following table shows buying power in different demographics:


Market
No. of People
Buying Power
African American
36 Million
$688 Billion
Gay American
17 Million
$485 Billion
Hispanic American
37 Million
$655 Billion
Asian American
12 Million
$344 Billion
Source: Selig Center (African-American, Hispanic and Asian-American Buying Power), U.S. Census estimates, and Witeck-Combs Communications and MarketResearch.com (GLB Buying Power), 2003.


Although this information is based on American statistics, we can analyze the factors that determine the level of disposable income of a specific demography and deduce a certain level of universal truth from it. For example, the fact that homosexual couples usually do not have kids (for they can’t procreate and the system makes is virtually impossible for them to adopt) gives them two incomes with no dependent. This provides for a rather concrete explanation why the homosexual is a good market for goods and services.

            No wonder that, already, various establishments of various industries have been gearing towards responding to this market.   
            For one, international tourism has “dipped its finger” into this development, with the establishment of such online sites as OutandAbout.com, QTMagazine.com, GayTravel.com, BlueWay.com, LambdaResorts.com, PurpleRoofs.com, Damron.com and GayHotelsGuide.com – all of them featuring gay and gay-friendly venues to go to; as well as the re-creation of various destinations, such as New York, Amsterdam, Sydney, and Thailand, among the many, to capture the pink market. 
            Secondly, gay lit was established (just as chick lit was), to specifically cater to the literary needs of LGBTs – and is even moved a notch higher when the stories make it to film, with the success of, among others, Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain, and, earlier, If These Walls Could Talk II, The Birdcage, Crying Game, et cetera. (dela Cruz)
            And thirdly, and still in show business, there were already steps taken to “mainstream-ize LGBT,” with the success of Will & Grace, Queer As Folk, et cetera.
            The significance of the gay market is indeed unquestionable and this is the same buying power that Palawan Bar enjoys. The existence of the establishment is not entirely for the homosexual cause but of the capital as well. The negotiation between the two, that of the business and that of the cultural, is important. The engagement of Genryll Corporation, the company behind the bar, to such enterprise could lead to questions of validity of the queer culture as it is presupposed with the need to profit. Ironically, the existence of the bar materializes and contributes to the reality of the culture and the ideology behind homosexual performativity.
            It is within this problematic context that the existence of both the bar and the ideological formation of homosexuality are situated and as such, we look into this relationship and try to determine if the homosexual end of the agreement is compromised and abused by the capital. To do this, we investigate the worth of what the homosexual is acquiring from this connection versus what the capital is.
            The capital gets what it wants—profit. The question remains, is the homosexual ultimately getting a good deal, in business terms, out of this transaction? Is the homosexual liberating himself through the establishment?

Conclusion

            This paper looked into the spaces that construct the identity of the homosexual as practiced in the Philippine setting through Palawan Bar in Quezon City. The intention is to investigate on the different layers of function and significance that the bar holds for the homosexual and understand how the homosexual is defined by the bar and how it negotiates with such definition.
            It asked: (1) How does the homosexual, through Palawan Bar, define the homosexual space; (2) Is this definition ultimately liberating the homosexual; and, (3) What are the recommendations?
            The discussion was divided into two: the physical space and the social space. The division was integral in connecting the ideological with the material in line with Althusser’s theory on ideological state apparatuses.
            In the analysis of the physical space, it was found that the establishment provides for the material existence of the homosexual ideology. The space is where the homosexual can have his piece of the world by having a place to socialize with men who likes other men. The specialization of the bar is such that the homosexual can feel free to do the things that are, in another space, deemed unnatural and in effect contributing to the naturalization of homosexual acts in line with Butler’s idea of performativity.
            The investigation on the social space, on the other hand, revealed what Adorno would call standardization of the music to be central in the homosexual idea of empowerment and liberation. Through the use of icons called Divas, the Disco and House genres, the homosexual is able to acquire emotions of power and defiance within the general theme of “sexual liberation.” The homosexual, through this standardization, is enlightened. The discussion denies the Freudian concept of homosexuality as a psychosexual inversion as overdetermined for the demography inside the bar does not reveal the homosexual man as desiring to be woman. Finally, the relationship of the bar as a business enterprise and the homosexual image is explored and questioned in terms of its liberative function for the homosexual.
           
            While it is true that the homosexual finds the space important in materializing homosexual acts and acquiring the sense of “sexual liberation,” the author puts forth the idea that the space does not necessarily liberate the homosexual of the essential social constructs that restrict its sexuality.
            The role of the bar in the homosexual culture is to create a world different from that of the heterosexual. It relocates these acts within the normative sphere but not entirely. While it creates homosexual identity, it does this while alienating the very source of power that created it—the heterosexual. It works within the language of the heterosexual by attempting to severe the difference between the two. Although initially tempting and feels liberating, this severity does not liberate the homosexual rather subjecting the homosexual to other-ing and pushing him further the opposite side of the spectrum.
            It is still important for the homosexual liberation to grow out of this language of the heterosexual. It is integral to expose sexuality as fluid and reveal the construction of such so as to truly liberate not only the homosexual but the heterosexual as well. The homosexual must recognize that trying to isolate himself by using the language of the heterosexual is futile if he intends to grow out of it. The recommendation is to raise the homosexual discourse to that of sexual construct to be able to harness the critical potential of queer studies. It is the recognition and understanding of the construction of sexuality in the social sphere that a truly liberative homosexual discourse can be achieved.

Bibliography:

Butler, Judith. Gender trouble : Feminism and the Subversion of Identity. New York : Routledge, 2006.
Dollimore, Jonathan. Sexual Dissidence: Augustine to Wilde, Freud to Foucault. London: Oxford University Press. 1991.
Garcia, J. Neil. Philippine gay culture : the last thirty years : binabae to bakla, silahis to MSM. Quezon City: University of the Philippines Press. 1996


Internet:

"Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. 20 Mar 2009, 12:09 UTC. 20 Mar 2009  <http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Eve_Kosofsky_Sedgwick&oldid=242949088>.
"Stonewall riots." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. 20 Mar 2009, 16:24 UTC. 20 Mar 2009 <http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Stonewall_riots&oldid=278556186>.
The Culture Industry: Enlightenment as Mass Deception Adorno, Theodor.
Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses (Notes towards an Investigation)” Althusser, Louise. <http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/althusser/1970/ideology.htm>.
“Lesbian and Gay Music” Philip Brett and Elizabeth Wood. <http://www.rem.ufpr.br/REMv7/Brett_Wood/Brett_and_Wood.html#VII>.


Media:

Episode 513 Ron Cowen & Daniel Lipman. Queer As Folk. Dir: Kelly Makin. Prod: Showtime (US), Showcase (Canada). 2005


5.03.2012

Letting Go

I'm letting go of asking.

This is me giving up trying to control you. You shall do what you wish. I do not own you.

I will not ask you to text me. You shall do it when you want. I will not ask you to think of me, but if you do I'm hoping that you smile. I won't ask you to call me. You shall call me when you do.

I will let you have your life. Even if that means I'm not in it. I know you should be happy, with or without me.

I'm letting go of the future. I cannot dictate it anyway. I will not ask you to include me in yours, I may end up not in it anyway.

Or you may not want me in it.

I have let go.

3.15.2012

Sleepless

Very tired and not sleepy. I miss.

3.12.2012

Your Face

I enjoy looking
at your face,
with your wide
round eyes and how,
sometimes without intent,
you squint with them.
I smile each time
you smile,
Cause your smile
is so sweet,
and innocent,
sometimes without intent,
you make me
fall again.
I adore your nose,
with its perfect shape
just like a mountain's,
one that I would like
to climb, it's peak
blessed with the glorious view of the rest.
You lips are heaven,
with their perfect shape
and softest touch,
I'd gladly stop living.

2.28.2012

Dreamland

I drink to myself,
tonight.
While the owl's knowledge
kills me, like a knife
slowly inching my throat
Until breath fails
me, again.
I drink to bad memories
of you, and I
Quench the thirst
of my heart, for you
And your cruel game,
you did not make me play.
 


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