M and R

R is in love with M. That is for sure.M has always been interesting for R. He has a way of not caring while loving, the very quality that captured the heart of R and same quality that drives R crazy most of the time. R is in love.R was happy when M asked him to go out one night and catch a movie. The two went out and enjoyed the movie. Somewhere between the laughable film and the almost empty theater sat R thinking of how nice it was to feel the warmth of M's hand. As M got acquainted with the movie, R was capturing the rare moment in his head, hoping to relive it long after the movie. The simplicity of the moment was intoxicating for R. He was very happy.The film was through and they both went out of the theater. On their way out of the mall, R noticed M trying to get a glimpse of a guy. M wanted for R to see the guy. M had a crush on the guy. R got jealous and mad at M for not thinking of R first. R did not understand M. M did not understand R.M was hurt and wanted to just go home. He walked fast, not talking to R, and R tried keeping up with his pace. Every silent step they took broke R's heart a little.M jumped on a bus home leaving R behind. His heart was weeping. R took the longest walk of his life to his ride. His heart racing and broken.While R was walking alone, his face exposed a sadness like no other. He took slow and dragging steps. He kept on looking back hoping M would be there following him. M was not there. His head was held low.

Dear Universe

I have had a bad day.

Not your regular I-was-late-for-work-and-everything-went-wrong kind of day. More like I-don't understand-people-anymore-and-sometimes-I-just-don't-know-what's-wrong-with-me type.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe there is something wrong with you. Universe, please unconspire yourself against me. I know I've been good. Why are you hurting me? Am I this despicable? Am I that boring?

You and I had some fun times in our days. Why are you doing this?

Please feel free to shoot me(.) a note.

Thanks!

Too Much of Me, Too Much for You

When you've had too much
of me, too much for you,
You swear, wordlessly
and give me the beating
of the heart, where it matters.
You take the blanks
and fill them with pain
like words on paper, only
lifeless and motionless.
I breathe heavily, the words,
although not there, take
the air out of me. It is not
all about me, too much for you.
It is about you, not seeing me
as enough for you.
I would dare not speak for
words are not there. Words
have left me with longing
for when I was not too much,
just enough for you. Did you
forget about me? being
just the type to never get
too much of you, too much
for me?

I know

I'm breaking apart without you.

I feel like I'm slowly dying while we're away from each other. This might be good for us, I know. This might make us stronger, I know.

But why does it feel so wrong inside?

The hardest part of not being with you is trying to hide how much I miss you. I want you to be free, do the things you want to do by yourself. I don't want to make you unhappy in any way. I'm keeping all that I feel inside to myself for now. I will give you room.

Because I love you. Because I love you so much.

Don't worry about me. I'll be hiding the tears the best that I could. So that you won't see me sad. So that you won't feel obliged. I am not your responsibility.

I will get over this feeling. I am just very empty right now.

I miss you very much. It kills me thinking of how long before I can look into your eyes again. But I'll be fine. I will show you I can do it. I die everytime I think about all the hours I need to spend without you. But I cannot show it to you. Cause I don't wanna lose you.

Because I love you. Because I love you so much.

I will keep the pain in and let my soul weep. So that no one knows. So that you don't know.

How much I want to be in your arms right now, how much I miss kissing your lips, and how much I want to just stare at your face and marvel at your beauty. I will keep it all in, for now. Because somewhere in your heart, I know you love me.

I know you love me.

For MD--

Why do I feel like I'm losing you? I remember the day we met. I remember how I used to be. I was a free spirit. I didn't care for emotions. I was content with my being. I was happy.

I remember when I first saw your profile. I didn't know what I was getting into when I answered your message. What a great day that was.

We chatted for hours. I didn't mind getting no sleep for work. You were honest. You were kind. I knew I was talking to someone special. Someone who cannot hurt me. Someone who finally understood me. I was very happy.

The next few days I eagerly waited for our chats and exchanges of messages. I couldn't get enough of you, and you couldn't get enough of me. Worlds apart, we shared our innermost thoughts and it seemed like our souls were one. I knew I had found someone really special. I knew I didn't want to let go. I knew you were the other half.

I remember the days we were texting from each side of the world. It was romantic. You were romantic. I didn't know I was already falling in love. You were genuinely loving me, and I genuinely loving you. I couldn't wait for every moment I would spend chatting with you, video against video. You would tell me how your day has been and I would tell you about my work. I was in love.

The day you boarded that plane home, I was anxious. I prayed for the first time in years. I said, "God, if you are there, please take care of him. Please don't let anything hurt my hon." I was nervous. For the next twenty plus hours I was restless. My friends were calming me down at work. They knew I was excited.

You and I finally met. The busy street and the strangers were blind witnesses to that moment. You know how in the movies where everything slows down at the first meeting of two lovers? It was exactly that. Everything moved so slow for several seconds as my eyes met yours. You held my hand that night. I knew I would be safe from then on.

The moments passed so fast from then. We spent a lot of time together. We ate everywhere, and a lot. We saw movies that were great, we saw movies that were not. We shared each moment like it was a fantasy. I never knew I could be that happy. We were so in love.

Do you remember the moment we almost got locked up in jail while we were shopping? Do you remember the moment we saw that play? Do you remember how we saw the lanterns in December? Do you remember how we visited that museum up north? Do you remember that time when we went out for barbeque? Do you remember how we celebrated Valentine's day?

I remember well. I remember too well. Most of all, I remember how we would stay at home and just be. How I liked the first massage you gave me, how you cared for every muscle in my body. You wanted me to relax and be at ease. I felt safe that night. I felt nothing can harm me with you around. I also remember opening my eyes in the middle of the night and seeing your face while you were still sleeping. I wanted to protect you from anything bad that can happen. I remember us wrestling inside my room. I remember you were strong. Very strong. I can also remember you hugging me tight. I liked that feeling. I remember your smile which was even more beautiful when you gave them to me.

Everything was perfect. Everything was going right. I never felt that it was too good to be true.

Why do I feel like I'm losing you, hon? Is it because you want to go shopping with someone else? Is it because that play was not that good? Is it because the lanterns were not bright enough? Is it because that museum up north had promiscuous pieces? Is it because the barbeque that night was not savory enough? Is it because Valentine's day is over?

I realized today how everyone else in your life loves you. I saw a lot of messages from when we did not know each other and realized how much you are loved. I felt jealous. I felt that with the amount of love you must receive, the love I'm giving you is nothing. You can easily let go of my love and be on your way as if I never meant anything to you while I'm crying because you mean the world to me.

Why do I feel like I'm losing you, MD? Why do I feel like you are drifting away from me? Are you the same person I chatted with five months ago? Have I lost that person? Have I lost my hon?

I feel helpless right now. I feel like crying a sea of tears. I'm scared you don't care for me the way you did before. I'm scared you don't like chatting with me anymore, or talking. I'm afraid you don't care if I'm relaxed or not, safe or not. I'm scared I won't wrestle with you again in my room. I'm scared of not seeing you smile at me anymore. I'm afraid I won't feel you hugging me tight at night. I'm afraid of pushing you further away.

I'm unsure if you feel the same way for me like I do to you. But I'm sure that I love you. The kind of love that would move mountains, that kind that would not fade even in time.

I just wish that if you don't feel the same anymore, you will be kind with my heart and drop it slowly. I'm still uncertain if someone will pick it up as well as you did.