When you've had too much
of me, too much for you,
You swear, wordlessly
and give me the beating
of the heart, where it matters.
You take the blanks
and fill them with pain
like words on paper, only
lifeless and motionless.
I breathe heavily, the words,
although not there, take
the air out of me. It is not
all about me, too much for you.
It is about you, not seeing me
as enough for you.
I would dare not speak for
words are not there. Words
have left me with longing
for when I was not too much,
just enough for you. Did you
forget about me? being
just the type to never get
too much of you, too much
for me?
6.19.2011
3.04.2011
I know
I'm breaking apart without you.
I feel like I'm slowly dying while we're away from each other. This might be good for us, I know. This might make us stronger, I know.
But why does it feel so wrong inside?
The hardest part of not being with you is trying to hide how much I miss you. I want you to be free, do the things you want to do by yourself. I don't want to make you unhappy in any way. I'm keeping all that I feel inside to myself for now. I will give you room.
Because I love you. Because I love you so much.
Don't worry about me. I'll be hiding the tears the best that I could. So that you won't see me sad. So that you won't feel obliged. I am not your responsibility.
I will get over this feeling. I am just very empty right now.
I miss you very much. It kills me thinking of how long before I can look into your eyes again. But I'll be fine. I will show you I can do it. I die everytime I think about all the hours I need to spend without you. But I cannot show it to you. Cause I don't wanna lose you.
Because I love you. Because I love you so much.
I will keep the pain in and let my soul weep. So that no one knows. So that you don't know.
How much I want to be in your arms right now, how much I miss kissing your lips, and how much I want to just stare at your face and marvel at your beauty. I will keep it all in, for now. Because somewhere in your heart, I know you love me.
I know you love me.
I feel like I'm slowly dying while we're away from each other. This might be good for us, I know. This might make us stronger, I know.
But why does it feel so wrong inside?
The hardest part of not being with you is trying to hide how much I miss you. I want you to be free, do the things you want to do by yourself. I don't want to make you unhappy in any way. I'm keeping all that I feel inside to myself for now. I will give you room.
Because I love you. Because I love you so much.
Don't worry about me. I'll be hiding the tears the best that I could. So that you won't see me sad. So that you won't feel obliged. I am not your responsibility.
I will get over this feeling. I am just very empty right now.
I miss you very much. It kills me thinking of how long before I can look into your eyes again. But I'll be fine. I will show you I can do it. I die everytime I think about all the hours I need to spend without you. But I cannot show it to you. Cause I don't wanna lose you.
Because I love you. Because I love you so much.
I will keep the pain in and let my soul weep. So that no one knows. So that you don't know.
How much I want to be in your arms right now, how much I miss kissing your lips, and how much I want to just stare at your face and marvel at your beauty. I will keep it all in, for now. Because somewhere in your heart, I know you love me.
I know you love me.
2.22.2011
For MD--
Why do I feel like I'm losing you? I remember the day we met. I remember how I used to be. I was a free spirit. I didn't care for emotions. I was content with my being. I was happy.
I remember when I first saw your profile. I didn't know what I was getting into when I answered your message. What a great day that was.
We chatted for hours. I didn't mind getting no sleep for work. You were honest. You were kind. I knew I was talking to someone special. Someone who cannot hurt me. Someone who finally understood me. I was very happy.
The next few days I eagerly waited for our chats and exchanges of messages. I couldn't get enough of you, and you couldn't get enough of me. Worlds apart, we shared our innermost thoughts and it seemed like our souls were one. I knew I had found someone really special. I knew I didn't want to let go. I knew you were the other half.
I remember the days we were texting from each side of the world. It was romantic. You were romantic. I didn't know I was already falling in love. You were genuinely loving me, and I genuinely loving you. I couldn't wait for every moment I would spend chatting with you, video against video. You would tell me how your day has been and I would tell you about my work. I was in love.
The day you boarded that plane home, I was anxious. I prayed for the first time in years. I said, "God, if you are there, please take care of him. Please don't let anything hurt my hon." I was nervous. For the next twenty plus hours I was restless. My friends were calming me down at work. They knew I was excited.
You and I finally met. The busy street and the strangers were blind witnesses to that moment. You know how in the movies where everything slows down at the first meeting of two lovers? It was exactly that. Everything moved so slow for several seconds as my eyes met yours. You held my hand that night. I knew I would be safe from then on.
The moments passed so fast from then. We spent a lot of time together. We ate everywhere, and a lot. We saw movies that were great, we saw movies that were not. We shared each moment like it was a fantasy. I never knew I could be that happy. We were so in love.
Do you remember the moment we almost got locked up in jail while we were shopping? Do you remember the moment we saw that play? Do you remember how we saw the lanterns in December? Do you remember how we visited that museum up north? Do you remember that time when we went out for barbeque? Do you remember how we celebrated Valentine's day?
I remember well. I remember too well. Most of all, I remember how we would stay at home and just be. How I liked the first massage you gave me, how you cared for every muscle in my body. You wanted me to relax and be at ease. I felt safe that night. I felt nothing can harm me with you around. I also remember opening my eyes in the middle of the night and seeing your face while you were still sleeping. I wanted to protect you from anything bad that can happen. I remember us wrestling inside my room. I remember you were strong. Very strong. I can also remember you hugging me tight. I liked that feeling. I remember your smile which was even more beautiful when you gave them to me.
Everything was perfect. Everything was going right. I never felt that it was too good to be true.
Why do I feel like I'm losing you, hon? Is it because you want to go shopping with someone else? Is it because that play was not that good? Is it because the lanterns were not bright enough? Is it because that museum up north had promiscuous pieces? Is it because the barbeque that night was not savory enough? Is it because Valentine's day is over?
I realized today how everyone else in your life loves you. I saw a lot of messages from when we did not know each other and realized how much you are loved. I felt jealous. I felt that with the amount of love you must receive, the love I'm giving you is nothing. You can easily let go of my love and be on your way as if I never meant anything to you while I'm crying because you mean the world to me.
Why do I feel like I'm losing you, MD? Why do I feel like you are drifting away from me? Are you the same person I chatted with five months ago? Have I lost that person? Have I lost my hon?
I feel helpless right now. I feel like crying a sea of tears. I'm scared you don't care for me the way you did before. I'm scared you don't like chatting with me anymore, or talking. I'm afraid you don't care if I'm relaxed or not, safe or not. I'm scared I won't wrestle with you again in my room. I'm scared of not seeing you smile at me anymore. I'm afraid I won't feel you hugging me tight at night. I'm afraid of pushing you further away.
I'm unsure if you feel the same way for me like I do to you. But I'm sure that I love you. The kind of love that would move mountains, that kind that would not fade even in time.
I just wish that if you don't feel the same anymore, you will be kind with my heart and drop it slowly. I'm still uncertain if someone will pick it up as well as you did.
I remember when I first saw your profile. I didn't know what I was getting into when I answered your message. What a great day that was.
We chatted for hours. I didn't mind getting no sleep for work. You were honest. You were kind. I knew I was talking to someone special. Someone who cannot hurt me. Someone who finally understood me. I was very happy.
The next few days I eagerly waited for our chats and exchanges of messages. I couldn't get enough of you, and you couldn't get enough of me. Worlds apart, we shared our innermost thoughts and it seemed like our souls were one. I knew I had found someone really special. I knew I didn't want to let go. I knew you were the other half.
I remember the days we were texting from each side of the world. It was romantic. You were romantic. I didn't know I was already falling in love. You were genuinely loving me, and I genuinely loving you. I couldn't wait for every moment I would spend chatting with you, video against video. You would tell me how your day has been and I would tell you about my work. I was in love.
The day you boarded that plane home, I was anxious. I prayed for the first time in years. I said, "God, if you are there, please take care of him. Please don't let anything hurt my hon." I was nervous. For the next twenty plus hours I was restless. My friends were calming me down at work. They knew I was excited.
You and I finally met. The busy street and the strangers were blind witnesses to that moment. You know how in the movies where everything slows down at the first meeting of two lovers? It was exactly that. Everything moved so slow for several seconds as my eyes met yours. You held my hand that night. I knew I would be safe from then on.
The moments passed so fast from then. We spent a lot of time together. We ate everywhere, and a lot. We saw movies that were great, we saw movies that were not. We shared each moment like it was a fantasy. I never knew I could be that happy. We were so in love.
Do you remember the moment we almost got locked up in jail while we were shopping? Do you remember the moment we saw that play? Do you remember how we saw the lanterns in December? Do you remember how we visited that museum up north? Do you remember that time when we went out for barbeque? Do you remember how we celebrated Valentine's day?
I remember well. I remember too well. Most of all, I remember how we would stay at home and just be. How I liked the first massage you gave me, how you cared for every muscle in my body. You wanted me to relax and be at ease. I felt safe that night. I felt nothing can harm me with you around. I also remember opening my eyes in the middle of the night and seeing your face while you were still sleeping. I wanted to protect you from anything bad that can happen. I remember us wrestling inside my room. I remember you were strong. Very strong. I can also remember you hugging me tight. I liked that feeling. I remember your smile which was even more beautiful when you gave them to me.
Everything was perfect. Everything was going right. I never felt that it was too good to be true.
Why do I feel like I'm losing you, hon? Is it because you want to go shopping with someone else? Is it because that play was not that good? Is it because the lanterns were not bright enough? Is it because that museum up north had promiscuous pieces? Is it because the barbeque that night was not savory enough? Is it because Valentine's day is over?
I realized today how everyone else in your life loves you. I saw a lot of messages from when we did not know each other and realized how much you are loved. I felt jealous. I felt that with the amount of love you must receive, the love I'm giving you is nothing. You can easily let go of my love and be on your way as if I never meant anything to you while I'm crying because you mean the world to me.
Why do I feel like I'm losing you, MD? Why do I feel like you are drifting away from me? Are you the same person I chatted with five months ago? Have I lost that person? Have I lost my hon?
I feel helpless right now. I feel like crying a sea of tears. I'm scared you don't care for me the way you did before. I'm scared you don't like chatting with me anymore, or talking. I'm afraid you don't care if I'm relaxed or not, safe or not. I'm scared I won't wrestle with you again in my room. I'm scared of not seeing you smile at me anymore. I'm afraid I won't feel you hugging me tight at night. I'm afraid of pushing you further away.
I'm unsure if you feel the same way for me like I do to you. But I'm sure that I love you. The kind of love that would move mountains, that kind that would not fade even in time.
I just wish that if you don't feel the same anymore, you will be kind with my heart and drop it slowly. I'm still uncertain if someone will pick it up as well as you did.
11.08.2010
Now Playing
Just The Way You Are
by Bruno Mars
Her eyes, her eyes
make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday (yeahh)
I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But everytime she asks me "Do I look okay?"
I say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh
she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday
Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfects what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
'Cause you know I'll say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
The way you are
The way you are
by Bruno Mars
Her eyes, her eyes
make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday (yeahh)
I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But everytime she asks me "Do I look okay?"
I say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh
she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday
Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfects what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
'Cause you know I'll say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
The way you are
The way you are
2.19.2010
The Big Bang Theory and Some Things I Can Live Without
I have taken a couple of days off from work initially anticipating a Sagada trip my friends and I planned almost a month back. That never happened.
So now I am mostly just using my leave days catching up on chores I have neglected these past few weeks, reading, and my general tendency to over-analyze myself as if anything matters.
Also I am hooked on a new TV series, The Big Bang Theory. It's about four superhumanly intelligent friends and a girl that basically ignites all conflicts and general interest in the characters (for their actions are juxtaposed against what is deemed socially accepted). The series is very well-written and I understand has received a couple of awards to validate that. I didn't really care for the acting of most of the characters but Jim Parsons. He does make nerdy/unpopular/arrogant appear admirable and you must love him for that. I also stumbled upon this video in youtube (Now Playing) on an interview with him and I must say that he does show a lot of passion and knowledge on the whole theoretical basis of acting and his general motivation on his part. I can tell that he is very smart too, acting or otherwise.
On the other hand, I fail to appreciate how Johnny Galecki (Leonard) treats his character. I feel that the character's speech pattern is unreasonable and irritating at its best. I just don't see the point.
So now I am mostly just using my leave days catching up on chores I have neglected these past few weeks, reading, and my general tendency to over-analyze myself as if anything matters.
Also I am hooked on a new TV series, The Big Bang Theory. It's about four superhumanly intelligent friends and a girl that basically ignites all conflicts and general interest in the characters (for their actions are juxtaposed against what is deemed socially accepted). The series is very well-written and I understand has received a couple of awards to validate that. I didn't really care for the acting of most of the characters but Jim Parsons. He does make nerdy/unpopular/arrogant appear admirable and you must love him for that. I also stumbled upon this video in youtube (Now Playing) on an interview with him and I must say that he does show a lot of passion and knowledge on the whole theoretical basis of acting and his general motivation on his part. I can tell that he is very smart too, acting or otherwise.
On the other hand, I fail to appreciate how Johnny Galecki (Leonard) treats his character. I feel that the character's speech pattern is unreasonable and irritating at its best. I just don't see the point.
1.25.2010
Angsty Lately
I must admit. I have been very irritable lately and I feel it's not going away. It's a general unfeeling for people, things and events. I can't explain it. I have never been this way before and it's weird cause I'm very aware of it.
I guess this must be my defense mechanism against pressure which I have been having a lot of lately. I feel like I need to just shut myself out from whole world and not care, hoping that when I revive myself all will be fine and dandy. Which, by the way, is rarely the case.
I am going to try to start this week right and try to start talking to people more. Get a feel of how they are, be more appealing to people, get to know their sentiments without really trying too hard to come up with a solution for everything. I need to remind myself more that I just need to do what I can and accept that there are things that are completely out of my hands.
Maybe I'm a control freak. Maybe I want everything done a certain way and if I don't get it done, I'd feel frustrated and stupid. Maybe that's where all this unfeeling is coming from. I need to snap out of this soon lest I be like one of those people who only exists to torture others by sending bad vibes all the time.
Snap!
I guess this must be my defense mechanism against pressure which I have been having a lot of lately. I feel like I need to just shut myself out from whole world and not care, hoping that when I revive myself all will be fine and dandy. Which, by the way, is rarely the case.
I am going to try to start this week right and try to start talking to people more. Get a feel of how they are, be more appealing to people, get to know their sentiments without really trying too hard to come up with a solution for everything. I need to remind myself more that I just need to do what I can and accept that there are things that are completely out of my hands.
Maybe I'm a control freak. Maybe I want everything done a certain way and if I don't get it done, I'd feel frustrated and stupid. Maybe that's where all this unfeeling is coming from. I need to snap out of this soon lest I be like one of those people who only exists to torture others by sending bad vibes all the time.
Snap!
1.04.2010
First Blog
Jan 4. New week, new quarter, new year.
So my friends and I met last weekend and decided to take a trip to Sagada by February. I always knew that I'd be back. The first time I was there I swore to get a house there once I can afford it. I still can't afford it but it would be nice to rekindle that feeling of genuine love for the place. It's one of the few places in the Philippines I would want to spend my dying days in. The way I remember it is just magical. I visited Sagada back in college with my Anthropology class and we had the best time. We scheduled the trip to coincide with the town fiesta and people were just everywhere. I admire the small town ambience of the place. I also remember the smell of the town.
So I'm pretty psyched about that. My friend Lene would be leaving to work in another country anytime within the first quarter so we really have to make our scheds work and do an out of town trip soon. I will miss her.
I feel like I missed the holidays. It went by so fast that I was not able to actually feel the holiday spirit except for the part where people were crazy shopping for gifts. That's that.
I have tons of things to think about this year. I really need to start clearing out my room of stuff I don't need. I need to get on the treadmill more. I need to be more organized and focused on tasks. I need to learn how to manage my money better. And most of all, I need to get back on track with my MA. Come to think of it, with this amount of things to think about, this year may very well just go fly out the window before I even recognize it. Crazy.
Well, I need to start on it. Getting my haircut today. Going to work tonight. Oh, and I promise to do more blogging this year. =)
So my friends and I met last weekend and decided to take a trip to Sagada by February. I always knew that I'd be back. The first time I was there I swore to get a house there once I can afford it. I still can't afford it but it would be nice to rekindle that feeling of genuine love for the place. It's one of the few places in the Philippines I would want to spend my dying days in. The way I remember it is just magical. I visited Sagada back in college with my Anthropology class and we had the best time. We scheduled the trip to coincide with the town fiesta and people were just everywhere. I admire the small town ambience of the place. I also remember the smell of the town.
So I'm pretty psyched about that. My friend Lene would be leaving to work in another country anytime within the first quarter so we really have to make our scheds work and do an out of town trip soon. I will miss her.
I feel like I missed the holidays. It went by so fast that I was not able to actually feel the holiday spirit except for the part where people were crazy shopping for gifts. That's that.
I have tons of things to think about this year. I really need to start clearing out my room of stuff I don't need. I need to get on the treadmill more. I need to be more organized and focused on tasks. I need to learn how to manage my money better. And most of all, I need to get back on track with my MA. Come to think of it, with this amount of things to think about, this year may very well just go fly out the window before I even recognize it. Crazy.
Well, I need to start on it. Getting my haircut today. Going to work tonight. Oh, and I promise to do more blogging this year. =)
12.21.2009
Note to Self: Christmas Week is Shopping-in-Hell Week
Lesson learned. I promise myself never to wait until Christmas week again to do all my shopping.
I never really had a problem with shopping for gifts for the holidays before. I'm not sure what happened. Everything felt stressful and intense and people were not happy. Getting a cab home was a pain in itself and something I would never wish for anyone.
Anyway, I'm sure that it won't be long until it's January again and people got back to their usual selves unlike the crazy pandemonium they have turned this city into. It's over for now. But next year, I must make sure to plan ahead and avoid all this mess.
Enjoy the holidays, everyone! =)
I never really had a problem with shopping for gifts for the holidays before. I'm not sure what happened. Everything felt stressful and intense and people were not happy. Getting a cab home was a pain in itself and something I would never wish for anyone.
Anyway, I'm sure that it won't be long until it's January again and people got back to their usual selves unlike the crazy pandemonium they have turned this city into. It's over for now. But next year, I must make sure to plan ahead and avoid all this mess.
Enjoy the holidays, everyone! =)
12.17.2009
(thank) Fully Recovered
I thought I'd do a little update on my life. Never had the time to do this but here goes.
A year and several months ago I did something really stupid and lost a bagfull of items including a Macbook. That was one hell of an experience. I was devastated but decided (for lack of a choice) to move on with my life trying to convince myself that although I will surely miss my computer, I would be able to recover.
I was in the middle of my usual after-work-lazying-around a few hours ago when it hit me. The time went by so fast that I was not able to appreciate everything good that has happened to me since that experience. I was too busy not caring for people. I was too consumed by the future and lack of certainty. I was caring too much for things that I shouldn't have in the first place and it is sucking the life out of me. I was too engrossed with challenges at work that I failed to notice how better I have become since "the day."
Looking back, I now appreciate what happened. It would most certainly not land in my "Things I Have to Do Again" list but I now realize and appreciate how far I've come from then.
Right after the Macbook loss, I decided to invest in real estate. I bought a condo unit as a kind of an obligation to myself and my future. I wanted to invest in something that is secure and is part of a long-term investment plan. Bottomline, I wanted to be forced to save money and I have.
Right about the time my computer got stolen, I was doing okay at work. I was doing my day-to-day routine and I was fine with it. I was coming to work, going home and that's it. I decided to move to another company and has been learning important leadership skills since then. In January, I will take on a leadership post.
Oh, and I am writing on a new notebook and loving it. It's an HP Pavilion DV6 1355dx: 4GB RAM, Intel Core 2 Duo, Windows 7, 500GB SATA HDD, 15.6" display, lightscribe, WLAN-B/G/N, full-size keyboard, and one sleek design. I never thought that I would be happy with a PC coming from a Mac but I guess never say never cause I would trade my old Macbook with this in a heartbeat.
If there is anything that I have learned from all these is that it doesn't matter how bad things go in life. What matters is how we overcome it. I know that there will be more surprises in life ahead. I'd say bring it.
I'm recovered.
A year and several months ago I did something really stupid and lost a bagfull of items including a Macbook. That was one hell of an experience. I was devastated but decided (for lack of a choice) to move on with my life trying to convince myself that although I will surely miss my computer, I would be able to recover.
I was in the middle of my usual after-work-lazying-around a few hours ago when it hit me. The time went by so fast that I was not able to appreciate everything good that has happened to me since that experience. I was too busy not caring for people. I was too consumed by the future and lack of certainty. I was caring too much for things that I shouldn't have in the first place and it is sucking the life out of me. I was too engrossed with challenges at work that I failed to notice how better I have become since "the day."
Looking back, I now appreciate what happened. It would most certainly not land in my "Things I Have to Do Again" list but I now realize and appreciate how far I've come from then.
Right after the Macbook loss, I decided to invest in real estate. I bought a condo unit as a kind of an obligation to myself and my future. I wanted to invest in something that is secure and is part of a long-term investment plan. Bottomline, I wanted to be forced to save money and I have.
Right about the time my computer got stolen, I was doing okay at work. I was doing my day-to-day routine and I was fine with it. I was coming to work, going home and that's it. I decided to move to another company and has been learning important leadership skills since then. In January, I will take on a leadership post.
Oh, and I am writing on a new notebook and loving it. It's an HP Pavilion DV6 1355dx: 4GB RAM, Intel Core 2 Duo, Windows 7, 500GB SATA HDD, 15.6" display, lightscribe, WLAN-B/G/N, full-size keyboard, and one sleek design. I never thought that I would be happy with a PC coming from a Mac but I guess never say never cause I would trade my old Macbook with this in a heartbeat.
If there is anything that I have learned from all these is that it doesn't matter how bad things go in life. What matters is how we overcome it. I know that there will be more surprises in life ahead. I'd say bring it.
I'm recovered.
6.15.2009
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